I'm just kind of over it. Over a whole bunch right now. I punched a few stuffed animals at work over the work week, but that didn't help (don't worry, no stuffies were harmed.) Nothing made me feel better, and I shut myself alone in a storage room for ten minutes while breathing through a panic attack. But that was yesterday and the answer I need to prevent these situations from happening again will occur to me soon.
We are now up to 6 trimmed blueberry bushes! I helped initially, but it was so rainy and slick that I slid right down a smooth bark branch that was on the ground and I fell in the mud. I landed on my right side, which has the fixed hip but still-to-be-fixed shoulder, and I jarred both of them. So I let Woodchuck work without me, while I got even more cold and took some pictures.
We are close to losing at least two more bushes to the slumping pond. The last one he worked on on this trip out had no more than five feet of land left between it and water, and if he took one wrong step he was going to end up in the drink. We will be heading out there today once he's off of work, and I will be starting to move the trimmed debris out into the open so that when it's not as wet and muddy, he can mulch it with the tractor. He will be meeting with our neighbor to the North of us to give him a generator that needs a little work, but that he thought might be useful to him and his family if he wants to put a little effort into it. So while they are dealing with that, I'll be piling the debris. But I also know that hubby wants to approach the neighbor about buying this guys portion of the front CRP. Because here comes the bad news.
As I've most likely stated before, the person we bought our land from got a hold of Woodchuck late last year and said he was putting up the place next door in the Spring and would we be interested? Woodchuck told him to please get a hold of us closer to the time he was selling it and we'd see how far along we were on the land and what he would be asking for it, etc. Well, we'd noticed a work truck and trailer in the driveway the past several times we have been at the land and Woodchuck called the owner, and the guy said he wasn't selling he was just fixing things.
But then soon after, the person renting the house walked over when we were unloading the car and said that he was selling it and she was fixing it and moving soon. Woodchuck and I looked at each other. What was the point of the seller lying to us? At any rate, Woodchuck called him again and they guy said he was selling but he rejected the price that we offered. He promised to stay in touch after an appraiser came out, and he kept that promise, but unfortunately the asking price is even higher now than before. We have to let go of the idea of buying it, which makes me really, really sad. For numerous reasons. Part of our ditch, the last part of it in fact, before it heads out under the road and to unknown places, isn't even owned by us. It was divided up and is with the land of this newly listed plot. There's a trailer on it, that we would be taking down, we just wanted the land and the garage that's coming off of the trailer.
These are our closest neighbors at the land, and the land division is set up in a way that the back of their house faces our prairie because of the direction of boundary lines. It would have been nice to not worry about lack of privacy, less than courteous neighbors, and such. It really would have brought some peace of mind, as well as the ability to finish the ditch clearing. I am super bummed, and super worried, and hate the fact that money, or lack of, creates obstacles. We are beyond blessed with what we have, but fear keeps me wanting more. With my job barely covering tuition, and most months lacking to cover it, there's no possible way for me to even be able to help contribute to getting the money for it.
And honestly, Woodchuck said that even if he was a millionaire, he wouldn't pay the guys price. That's Woodchuck livin' up to Woodchuck's way. Me? Fuck yeah, I'd negotiate still, but I'd pay more than I felt was fair just to not have to worry about neighbors in my retirement. And that's me livin' up to my way. Don't get me wrong, I WANT a healthy neighbor situation. I have literally never had it. Never that I can remember, even into childhood. And I guess the fact that I would drop tens of thousands of dollars on a piece of shit trailer and land that will chew me up and spit me out, is just a trauma response and me trying to control something based off of past experiences. It is hard to give in to that, hard to just put my plea out to the Universe to not let our golden years be filled with the daily stress of not being able to enjoy our home that we will have worked so hard for. Because we work really hard for this one that we are in now, even with all of its flaws and four colors and types of siding on the back, and we can't even open our windows and enjoy the sounds of nature and Spring because of our neighbors. And to this nature girl, that is like living in a cell.
I didn't realize, or maybe in the back of my mind I did, how much I am fighting for peace every day and the chance to HONOR each gift of each day and those beautiful things that surround me, unhindered by the people around me who just want to bash through life. Clearly, I need a dose of nature and stat. I need the comfort and peace and beauty and kinship that I feel with it. For in nature there is a fierce gentleness. A connection to each thing around it in a symbiotic relationship, when in balance of course. And I feel that, I identify with that. When I am hard on myself when I need to get fierce and what I perceive as cold, it's because truly at the roots of me there is a peace that is being poked at. It's because I am sensitive that I have been such a warrior in my life. But I admit that I just want to live in peace and connection with the wild kingdom around me, because it is there that I truly feel at Home and alive, and me. And I feel that nature deserves my best fight for it. 💚
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