It was going to be a bit of a different week for me, as the co-worker who opens was going on vacation on Wednesday and Thursday and that left it up to me to open the bakery. Wednesday went fantastic! Thursday was a shit show from the get go and I had to call the cops on my first customer of the day. From there, the downward spiral continued and I ended up in my bosses office on Friday crying, Saturday didn't go much better, and Sunday found me getting my head bit off by him for doing a job duty but not at the time he wanted it done. How do I sell donuts without donuts in the case. I ask? While his daughter stands at the register texting right in front of the customers and nothing gets said to her. Woodchuck also started crap with me via text while I was at work. This does not align with my purpose, my needs, and how I want to be surrounded in peace. Why do people not realize that we have the power to make the world we want, but it's not going to happen when people feed the dysfunction and what they don't want. It has taken me so long to become the person I am, one that fights against falling or being pushed down into holes each day, one who wants to feed and spread love, positivity and light, and I am getting buried each day by just the opposite. As usual, I am holding on longer than is best for my mental health, but I can't leave until I have another job lined up and I am hoping that things get better in the meantime.
What is life like as an empath? As someone who cannot be around negativity for long periods of time or handle being blindsided by it when I am kind? If you can imagine a tornado around me, a personal one at that. As it swirls, parts of me are being tossed out, but instead of the tornado being a negative force, mine is positive. The parts of me that are flung are my love, joy, kindness, etc. But when those parts are flung out, it leaves an opening in the tornado for a short time, and when there are holes in my aura, things make it in. Things that make me feel icky, things that bring me down, hurt me, things that are not my fault yet that make me suffer until I can build that tornado up again and close the holes.
I can feel things just walking into a room, I can see the things that nobody else does, I can love in a way that most cannot, I can see both sides of a situation, I continually make things easier for others (or try to at least) while I am torn apart along the way. I don't ask for thanks, I don't ask for anything other than the basics of being safe and not to be taken advantage of. It's a battle I continually fight and always feel like I am losing at. How do I live in this world, how do I participate in a society where I am having a hard time finding others like myself. I need a safe place to land and a posse of positivity because friends, I am damn tired. It may be unrealistic of me in the standards of current society to want peace in my life, a safe haven, days filled with positivity and love, but if it's true that we create our own reality then it should not be out of my reach. It may not be important to others, but it's a GD prerequisite of my daily life moving forth. So mote it be )O(
Woodchuck and I made a trip to the land after work on the day that I had to call the cops on the customer, thinking that it would make me feel better. He worked on sealing the concrete floor in the barn, and I was sticking nearby and clearing invasives along the side of the driveway. Most of this had been done within the past couple of the years, but has grown back and the neighbor moved a small pull- along trailer and that opened up new spaces for me to get to.
I was immediately overwhelmed. Such a small speck in the Universe fighting against such large forces and feeling like I am doing it all alone. Going back to the same spaces over and over again and circling and chasing my own tail, But this is important, so I jumped in and started working on a large patch of bittersweet that is choking out our ditch along the property line and grabbing hold of a Poplar. I did what I could and moved on to find more honeysuckle, autumn olive, multi-flora rose, and something that I haven't seen elsewhere out there yet.....burning bush.
And just stood there and cried. The place that has been my source of peace and healing is getting overrun with crap and I'm struggling to fight it and keep it under control. I take breaks, I cry, but then I jump right back in and keep going. It has always been me against the world and I am a moonchild, a Keeper of Light, carrier of my ancestors love and knowledge and at the end of the day that is most important and wins over all of the bullshit that humans keep slinging around at each other and all of the inhabitants of the blue marble we are all on.
I still honor the Full Moons and all of the chaos we feel under them. I see the beauty, I see the magick, I see the greater plan. Tear me down along the way, I will only be rebuilt stronger. Darkness will not overtake the Light that we bring and a balance needs to be found in so many areas of the world. Love will find you, it will find me, we will heal and we will carry on the battle. I will stand beside Darkness because it does not scare me, it only motivates me to create the shadows that Light brings when it shines on. )O(
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