Where has Summer gone? Where has the YEAR gone? I have not done anything this Summer that I would have normally, and it is kind of bumming me out. I keep telling myself that there's next year, but ah, the folly of man to think that time is endless, and guaranteed. Woodchuck said that we should go do something tomorrow night when he gets home from work, but most nights we don't even get outside for a walk around the block anymore. Last night, I was so tired even I forgot about the walk. My soul really, really needs to be carefree and cageless. Not trapped in four walls, and not governed by a clock.
So I went to a Women's Circle last weekend that has been on my radar for a couple of months now. I didn't sign up until the day before, because I wanted to make sure that nothing was going to pop up to prevent me from going, and I wanted to make sure that I could follow through even if something didn't pop up. I nearly talked myself out of going! Even 15 minutes before having to leave my house, I was debating on just bailing, but I didn't want to waste the money that Woodchuck works so hard for. I have anxiety anyways about traveling, about unknown places, and this was no different but made even more intense by knowing that a previous friend of mine also frequents this group. It is not that I wouldn't be kind and civil in running across her, but I didn't want HER to feel uncomfortable or like I was invading her territory. As it turned out though, I had nothing to worry about because she wasn't there. Others in the group also interact with her, as they should! She offers many great things to people, it's just that we don't mix well.
The group was small, which made it less overwhelming for me! Two facilitators and three of us attendees. Everyone was very kind, and of course I cried, and then another person cried, and then finally another person cried. It was held outside on a beautiful piece of property, and the weather was just perfect! I am working on getting back to daily care, even just something that takes moments. I guess with everything packed up, I see that as a barrier or obstacle. Maybe it's the monkey brain I have now with everything going? The older I get, the harder it gets to focus.
We sat in a circle, we each pulled a tarot card and after introducing ourselves, we read our cards aloud. It was beautiful to see how each one reflected the life moments and energies and of each of us! It was so refreshing to be reminded that I am not alone, that there are others out there that think and feel the same way, are questioning the same things, but are willing to come together in that search even if just for a couple of hours. I found myself repeatedly feeling awkward about talking and sharing, only because I felt like I was taking up too much time and taking away from the others. I am sure that is a trauma response. Once we shared and pulled our cards, we also did a bit of relaxation techniques and yoga, then a sound bath. I had dozens of little sweat bees (hoverflies) landing on me, and while I love them, the tickling while laying down with my eyes closed made it hard to let go completely. Silly little insects! But my card was the Four of Cups. Hitting on emotional stability, safety, getting my needs met, etc. in the top right corner of my card was a sideways 69, but when looking at the card upright, it looks like the Pisces fish. I am a Pisces. I also need to delve more into the numbers 4, 6, 9, and 15 (the combination of 6 and 9). Also, notice: 6 + 9= 15. 5+1=6. 5-1= 4. So fascinating!
Certain senses of mine are starting to heighten as I slowly release the stress and trauma. I was outside pulling weeds and noticed a flutter out of the corner of my eye. I recognized that flutter, and especially since I didn't see a butterfly perched on the end of the branch, I knew it was going to be a mantis. But what kind? Of course, the non-native Chinese Mantis.
I also found another cicada. This one was on its back as well, like the one I found on a hike some weeks ago.
Woodchuck is tackling the workshop in bits and pieces. It must be so hard for him to be gone from home for nearly 12 hours and then come home and do stuff like this. Most recently, he painted the workshop ceiling, and aside from getting paint on the floor and furniture that was supposed to be covered, I think he did a great job 😂 He just has to cut in around the edges, but honestly? The color is SO close to what was up there, it's hardly noticeable if he doesn't get it done.
We managed to remember to go for a walk one evening when he got home. That seems to be the best time to get it done, though I prefer after dinner. Walk off the food, aid the digestion, get closer to the time of dusk....which is one of my favorite times of day! But any time going for a walk is better than not going at all. The cottonwoods are dropping leaves, as are other trees.
On our most recent trip to the land, I was grateful for the reduced humidity and comfortable breezes.
I worked my way over to the wildflower patch, taking everything in as I went.
I pulled some QAL, and cut and treated some Autumn Olive, and broke out into the open prairie.
I am hoping to collect milkweed seed this year! Normally I leave them, but these are in an area that will get completely cleared of vegetation and then likely treated with an herbicide, all done by a professional. I want to be able to save the seeds for future planting elsewhere to make up for the loss here, as well as pass some along to others who don't have any.
The thistle are super tall and blooming right now, much to the delight of the butterflies.
The Boneset exploded this year! I couldn't believe how much I could see from the otherside of the ditch!
There are SO many of these clovers this year! Originally just seen on the watershed, I am seeing them on the prairie now. Lespedeza Captitata, Roundhead bushclover. Native.
Lespedeza Virginica, slender bushclover. Native.
With Woodchucks help, we were finally able to clean up the wildflower patch! Since we didn't have enough cages and cut coffee cans to protect all of the plants from the weed whacker, we would do a section, then pull some of the cans and cages and put those over another section, weed whack, and then work that way down the line until it was done. Once I have enough cans to protect all of the plants, it won't take as long! And then once the plants are established here, it will be easier to know where they are and work around them. The hope is to eventually transplant some of them around the house next year.
When I was walking up to this spot, I spotted a hawk in the trees above. So I stopped and watched it for quite awhile before it flew down to the marshy area to catch lunch, and then off into the trees.
The perfect kind of day to be outside!
Once we got back home, we were still in work mode! Unfortunately, that almost came to a screeching halt when Woodchuck got his finger caught in a metal clasp on the shed and really needed stitches, but refused. He put up new trim around his woodshop door.
We got some new wood stained and hung across the bottom of the side of the shed where it's starting to rot and curl a bit. Since we don't know what the next owners will want to do with this shed, use it, fix it, start over; we figured this would be a good move for now.
I love how the patio looks at this time of year, I just wish we could enjoy it more!
Well. At least someone/thing is enjoying the patio and canopy! Orb Weaver
As the full moon draws closer, I look out the window every night before bed to see it.
Little by little, I am pulling weeds (again) from the garden area, and digging up the chives that we stupidly planted a couple of decades ago when we didn't know any better! It gave me a chance though to see some new fungi.
I have been better this week taking time to myself. To sit outside and listen to nature, to boost my vitamin D levels, which I already feel tanking with Summer loosening its grip, and to also let my nervous system wind down. Some days are easier than others to take these moments.
I apparently was in the territory of this tiny little jumping spider! Its home was in the big planter pot that I had my legs up on. What a cutie! They have most adorable little faces!
We managed to finally close the construction loan process with the bank this past week. Right up to the time the notary walked out of our door, there was dysfunction, unprofessionalism, and conflicting information with all parties concerned. We are hoping to find out more this coming week about the next steps. There are a lot of markets that I want to attend or vend at between now and the end of the year, but I have no idea if I am going to be in the thick of building, contractors, inspections, moving, etc. In the meantime, I am literally giddy, observing the natural world around me. What a blessing, what a miracle that life is.
I love watching squirrels, especially when they are burying/unburying the acorns. This cutie has a unique tail. Thin, fringed in white the whole way up and down the sides and tip. She stopped and took some drinks from the water dish that I leave out for birds and insects....and squirrels. I say "she", though she was a bit too far away for me to tell for sure.
Closer to the Full Moon
I am trying really hard to remember to watch where I am walking. I recently caught the anchor thread on an orb weaver web, but the builder was tucked up under the upper deck in the shade and was unharmed. I went outside the next morning and she had fixed her web to look exactly how it did before I accidentally set it loose. This other web however, has been in the same spot for a few days now. It is an orbweaver as well. I had to take the canopy top off recently and drop the frame lower, and was surprised to find that the web wasn't anchored to it! One of its anchor lines was attached to the ground on the patio and now has a leaf stuck to it and is fluttering around 😍
For my self-care time-outs, I have been using this adorable basket a friend got me! I think it was supposed to be an Easter basket, but it's too cute to not use now. So I load it up with my projects and snacks and water, and head outside. It makes me feel very free and almost child-like to lay out a sheet on the grass, light some incense, and read a book. I feel like I am having a picnic, having "play time" outside that doesn't involve the adult work that I do to care for the land. In a way, it has been very freeing and healing to my inner child.
It feels good to be able to enjoy the yard and what we work so hard on to call ours. There have been large swathes of time where I hide out inside of my home because of the people around us.
And the moon is finally full! Not only was it a full moon, but also a partial Lunar Eclipse! I had planned on stepping outside under it at bedtime, but someone was burning close by and it was too hard to breathe. So I stuck my arm out the front door, snapped some shots, and gave thanks. This was before the eclipse started, so I never got to see it.
Pierogi the cat woke me up around 4:15 a.m. the next day to remind me that I am close to missing the moon as it lit up my side of the bed. I threw up the shade and laid in the moonlight.
Even Pierogi took some time to watch, until I accidentally scared her by knocking something off of the nightstand. 🙀
I was filled with such a deep sorrow, feeling myself sliding into depression. I cried, and cried, and cried. I let myself feel the responsibility of the some revelations made, gave in to the heartbreak enough to finally let it all out. Laying there crying, I thought this was it, that I needed to overall my entire life; but I know better than to act on that when I am feeling that way. Sit with it, roll it around in my head, than take another look. I was gentle with myself all day, literally doing nothing this day but just be. I was sad to see the moon go, sad to not be able to see it turn colors as the sun rose up to greet it. I imagined the moon and sun doing a bit of a dancing bow to each other as each took their rightful place.
The sun coming up in the East
The moon disappearing in the West
I finished the wolf cross-stitch and got it ready for framing. I love a crisply ironed stitched piece! It makes me feel good to finish these kinds of things around the house instead of always doing chores.
I went ahead and set up a new project for evening work while watching t.v. I think my sister got me this kit as a gift? But I glean so much along the way that I can't remember for sure.
As we head into a new week, and a whole new month, the calendar shows things being a bit more manageable. Now that construction can start, I am sure that will change. 😂Stay tuned!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment