I had figured that I wouldn't be writing a post for quite awhile. There's nothing going on with me that is post worthy, worthy of letting anyone know, but then the moon, and then Imbolc, and I figured the little bit I am going through might resonate with someone else.
There's been posts going around social media for a few months now, near the full moons and the new year, about cinnamon. One of the things that I dislike about social media witchery is it coming across like "you have to do this!" in order for you be taking proper advantage, to be letting in all of the good, to be harnessing all of the energy. Horse poo. But last night (this was started the night of the Feb. full moon), I felt myself once again wrestling with the emotions of not being able to do what I want to, or what I felt like I should do based off of all of those posts. Sure, most of those posts are meant only to remind us of what we can do, but when your feed is getting bombarded with the same reminders over and over again, and "do this!" it becomes a bit overwhelming.
I lit a candle, which I am trying to do daily when I home, and I held my amethyst and sought out the rainbows that the sun cast through crystals.
I did it my way, as usual. I go off of gut feelings, intuition, and yes, that's right! I fly by the seat of my pants.
Did I lose out on anything by not putting crystals or water out to charge? By not doing the cinnamon thing? By not writing something on a piece of paper and then burning it? No. Not at all. By not doing those things, all it did was make me feel bad because those posts said that I should. And I was already feeling bad. About being stuck in the house for 3 weeks now, except for physical therapy a couple of times a week. About the state of the world right now. About the lack of interaction in anyway with friends and family. About all that I am seemingly missing out on.
I always feel a bit guilty when I start thinking in the "what about me? what about relationships, friendships, humanity caring for each other?" kind of way. But I have practicing releasing some of that guilt by saying that it can be both ways at once. It can be that the world is on fire, but that I acknowledge the blessings. It can be that I reach out to others, while grieving the loss of not getting anything in return. That shouldn't make me feel guilty, though feeling these ways is one con of being human.
I was thinking earlier about what keeps us going? In the face of unfairness, adversity, solitude, death. Our bodies can keep going, our minds can keep going, but what makes the spirit keep going after tragedy? The only answer I could come up with was: purpose. We are still going because there is still some purpose left, some opportunity to do good and to take the tragedy and help someone else from it. The purpose of bringing more love, light, connection, humanity, kindness, etc. It is the only thing that I can think of.
As I sit here feeling so alone, and so incapable of so much, it is not lost on me that someone else would love to be in my shoes right now. I am blessed, I am loved, I am healing, I am warm, I am fed, I am alive. And so I try not to slide too far down the rabbit hole, but also let myself feel what needs to be.
Then, last night, I was thinking about interactions. People who are easily overwhelmed, introverts, etc. And I thought about how we close ourselves off when things become too much. It goes beyond recharging, regulating....it is isolation, hiding away...and that doesn't teach us much. So I started thinking about what might help us more? Socializing on our terms. People-ing in our way. Interacting on levels that we CAN tolerate, instead of not at all. When we close ourselves off from people, not only are we missing out on the beautiful things our friendship and interactions can bring US, but we deny them all of the wonderful aspects we bring to them too!
I see the majority of my friends (and I only have a few that are local) a couple of times a year, and that is a dedicated "let's get together" event, not the "when are you coming to town? Maybe we can go for a walk or hit a resale shop" that I am talking about. While most of my friends live long-distance, the ones who are local rarely reach out and ask about getting together. It's usually me, and for some it's always me going to them. I get it. They have lives, work schedules, family, etc. But I constantly surround myself with "unavailable" people. Physically, emotionally, attention-wise. And I've been trying to figure out why. Maybe so I don't take the chance of becoming overwhelmed? Well, that would boil down to boundaries. So, socializing takes boundaries, right? That is such a hard topic to navigate, for sure!
None of this is meant to make anyone feel bad, I am literally picking my brain, rolling subjects around in my head. Wondering, feeling, thinking, at a time when I can do little else. Every kind of relationship takes some sort of effort, and I see where many are making friends feel bad for asking for more in it. We all can only do what we can do at any given moment, but when numerous friendship aren't fed, what happens then? How may of us are looking for connection, are feeling lonely in a world full of other lonely people, and looking around not understanding what is happening. We tout about connection and helping each other, but ignore what is right in front of our face. Why can't we say, "Hey look, I love you, but I don't understand why I don't see you." If they say that they just have it in them, then you have to make a decision, right? Man, none of this easy. Stay friends and be ok with the little you get, the ways that you have to keep being the one to reach out and invest, etc. OR nothing at all. Compound that with nearly every relationship lacking what you need, and it makes it hard to know what to do.
I remember back in the day when I was first on FB with our business page, and I would post my frustrations at the lack of sales, exposure, etc. while those other businesses I follow(ed) on there were making a killing. A friend said that she didn't want to feel punished for not making a purchase from us, and that's what my posts came across like. That has always stuck with me. How do I then be transparent without making people feel like I am chastising them? I am still trying to traverse that, and probably not doing it well....in business and personal life. It is hard for me to be transparent without also showing my frustration. So that is one thing on my radar this year to work on.
So to those that feel bad about any of this, I'm sorry. That is not my intention. To my inner self, whom I have compromised for so long, I am even more sorry. I really am trying to figure this out. 💜
